Don't take pity on me...

Life can be rough. I've been sick for the last month with a cold and then the H1N1 flu. I wrecked my car. I can't find a job...blah blah blah. Sadly, I even went as far to say, "I feel like Job" as a Facebook status. How pathetic am I? So I kinda thew together this little poem...I can't even remember the last time I wrote a poem.

Don't take pity on me.

Empathize for the sick and the dying who's days are marked.

Give solace to the soldiers who risk their lives for freedom.

Have mercy for those who wilt away in prisons for crimes long ago.

Don't take pity on me.

Pray for the starving children who awake and sleep each day with pangs of hunger.

Feel compassion for the homeless who sleep on cold concrete and search for shelter.

Have charity for those downtrodden who have no one to love.

Don't take pity on me.

I have my health.

I have my freedom.

I have my future.

Don't take pity on me.

I have my subsistence.

I have my home.

I have my family.

Don't take pity on me.

Cheating...

As most of you know, for the last two years I’ve been a substitute teacher. I don’t do it a whole lot, but its always an adventure when I do. If I were smarter, I would’ve written down all my funny and memorable experiences…but I didn’t. But yesterday, I got a good one…

I was subbing a high school English class. The students were taking a vocabulary quiz using a scantron. I’m at my desk, minding my own business, when I see out of the corner of my eye, some girl slyly slide the test and scantron into her notebook. I’ve seen this move before. I call it the “switch-n-sneak.” Here’s how the rouse works: Students take the test home, complete it, then sneak it back into the classroom. Maybe they’ll put it in the basket or hide it among papers on the teacher’s desk. All in the hope that the teacher thinks they’ve simply overlooked it among all the other papers they have. It’s a solid move when executed correctly. But sadly, this girl doesn’t understand how to play the game. She was WAY TOO sneaky and I caught on. I saw her do it…but decided to see what her plan was. So I wait until ‘everyone’ is done and count up the exams. Of course, I’m one short. So I play the idiot and ask, “Who isn’t done yet?” No one responds… “Ok, so I’m an exam short. Did someone not take it?” Silence…but I decide to wait this one out and let the guilt eat her alive. After about 30 seconds of awkward silence she says, “Oh, I was gone last time so I didn’t take it.” Again, playing the part of the idiot I say, “Oh. That makes sense. So did I give you the exam and scantron?” She, thinking she’s in the clear, says, “Nope. I just didn’t take one.” It crossed my mind to cause a major scene and jump up on my desk, scream “YOU LIE!”, grab the notebook from her desk and parade it around…but I declined. I let her think she had gotten away with it for a few more minutes. When the class had moved on to other things, I sat down in the desk next to her, smiled and said, “Ya…so I saw you sneak the test into your notebook. Lets not cause a scene, so how about you just give it back to me and we move on?” She got a wide eyed look on her face and then accepted my pardon by handing over the exam. Hopefully she learned a valuable lesson on lying, but I doubt it. She’ll probably just refine her game for next time.

Some students walk into a class I’m substitute teaching in and automatically assume I’m an idiot. I know from experience that some subs are idiots…I just try not to think of myself as one. They probably think they can get away with their little tricks and games. Most of them don’t realize that I was in high school not so long ago and I learned those tricks and games and substitute teaching has only refined my skills. The “switch-n-sneak” was in play long before this girl attempted it and it’ll be here long after. I know of tricks she hasn’t even dreamed of. I’ve heard of all the tricks, seen some in action and even practiced a few. This are some of the tricks I’ve encountered in one way or another:

• “The Sneak-n-switch”: cousin of the “switch-n-sneak.” It works in almost the opposite way. You somehow get a hold of the test before hand and sneak in your answers. Say you have an in-class essay. You write the essay beforehand, in the comfort of your home, and then simply turn that one in.

• “The Informant” or “The Accomplice”: where you have a friend who has the class before you and can relay information to you. They take the test, then relay information to you that you use when you take the test. This works best if the principle of reciprocity works: you need to have class before them somewhere in your schedule so you can return the favor.

• “The Morse Code”: This one is elaborate. You and a friend in the same class devise a system of sharing answers using a series of signals or taps on the desk. You tap out the number in question and then have a system taps to indicate the answers; A=1 tap, B=2 taps, etc. This one is tricky and can’t be used often.

• “The Hall Pass”: In this case, you store valuable information in you locker. Get stuck on a question, use the hall pass, find said answer. Again, this is a one-time deal. Unless you have a 44 oz. Mountain Dew on your desk…then maybe you can get away with two trips.

• “The Technology”: This one involves the sophisticated use of technology. Most teachers will let students listen to an iPod while taking a test. Classical music is always good to get the brain firing, right? Well, what if that “Classical Music: Track 1” is actually a series of recorded notes? Don’t laugh, I’ve seen it in action.

• “The Old School”: This is where you writes on some portion of your body, ie. Your hand, arm, ankle, etc. Or writing notes on a pencil, the brim of your hat, tongue of your shoe, etc. Again, these techniques are old school to the core.

• “The Pre-emptive Strike”: This is where you miss the class the day before the exam. Hence, most likely granting yourself one more day of study time and probably allowing you to use the “Informant” technique.

• “The Excuse”: “My computer wouldn't print off. I sent you the e-mail did you not get it? My boyfriend's uncle died. I don't know how to work Blackboard. I did the assignment but it deleted itself while I was trying to print it off. I'm just having some real serious personal issues right now that are too hard to talk about...” You get the idea…

Now, I don’t want anyone to get the idea that I cheated my way through school, I didn’t. Although, I’ll be the first to admit that I have cheated on occasion but I think everyone has at one time or another. We’ve all, in a moment of weakness, looked over at our neighbor’s paper or asked a friend what was on the exam. Some people are better at it than others. Thats the sad thing. If that girl had an ounce of "game" she would've gotten away with it. She was a rookie...

I before E except after who the hell cares.

There a few things in this world I'm good at... like knowing all my state capitals, jumping off high things into extremely shallow water, and rolling my Rs... These things come naturally. I can almost do them with my eyes closed, and in the case of jumping into shallow water-I have to. One thing that I am awful at is spelling. My friend Spelling & I do not get along; he is my nemesis. Ever since I learned to talk, I could not spell. (You may find this strange since my last name is a such an awesome word to have to learn how to spell as a child. This is the exception.) I still have little tricks and mnemonic devices to remember how to spell words. B-E-A-utiful, Tom-mor-ow, etc. You know the drill. These little tricks are my crutch...

I once heard it said that a synonym is a word that you use when you don't know how to spell the word you were going to use. This must've been said about me because I am constantly replacing words with easier to spell ones.

You're probably wondering why this post isn't littered with misspelled words...Well, one day my spelling woes were changed forever...I discovered Spellchecker. Many historians say the printing press was the greatest invention in the history of the world...Without a doubt, Spellchecker is a close second. I could not survive without it. There are too many rules and exceptions to those rules that I can't keep them straight. Its always "i before e, except after c, unless..." and you lost me. I can't keep them straight...

I bring this all up because I typed a paper for school a few weeks ago. I had done a good job of having a decent thesis, transitions, conclusion, etc. I got my paper back and my professor docked me a full letter grade because I spelled his name wrong. His name is "Stephen" and I spelled it "Steven." (He still pronounces it with a "V" sound, bytheway.) I now make it a point to always call him SteFFFFFen. I should have been more careful but I still think its a stupid thing to get all worked up on. I've spent my entire life having my last name slaughtered and it doesn't bother me. Some people need to put their big-boy underwear on and do work...thats all.

Epiphany: A Divine Manifestation

Back in May I decided my life needed a little more spice to it. I began looking into buying a motorcycle. My dad called it "the stupidest idea he'd ever heard". Thats when I knew I had to do it. I bought myself a nice little gem of a starter bike to learn the ropes on, in the hopes of buying a sweet Harley sometime soon. For several months she went unnamed. I tried to force the name by looking up ideaa on the internet. Wisely, I consulted my motorcycle guru, Miss Jordan Rasband & took her advice. "Don't force it. It will come, just give it time." This is that story...

There are certain moments in history that you never forget where you were when you heard the news. I remember being at South Hill Middle School, roaming around the halls when I heard the news about 9/11. I remember reffing Jr. Jazz when the Space Shuttle Columbia crashed over Texas. I remember sitting in a hotel room in Mexico when the US invaded Iraq. I remember being in my basement when John Stockton hit "the shot" against Houston in '96. Recently, I remember being in Target when I heard the news that the late-great-King of Pop, Michael Jackson had died. I've been a fan of Michael Jackson ever since I first heard him. It was Smooth Criminal in my friend, Ted Ethington's basement in elementary school. Although I was a fan, it was casual at best. I had several of his CD's and a playlist on my iPod, but nothing too major. My King of Pop 'fanhood', if you will, was taken up a notch one special night after watching his live DANGEROUS concert in Bucharest (pure awesomeness & the work of a true genius). After leaving the company of Chelsee, I was riding around my nameless bike singing Michael Jackson tunes at the top of my lungs. (The sign of a true fan) Luckily I was wearing my helmet so no one was forced to run me off the road to save the world from my tone-deaf vocals. It was in the midst of singing one of my all-time favorites, that it hit me...

My motorcycle was Diana. Just as in the song, "Dirty Diana", I had told myself she wouldn't seduce me, but she did. It was as if she had spoken to me and whispered "I have the stuff that you want, I am the thing that you need." She was my "night lovin' thing" that "thing I could taunt." So I named my motorcycle Dirty Diana. It suits her well. We both know it wont last forever. She fulfills my needs and I rev her engine. She is my Dirty Diana. It may just be a summer fling until I move on to something better, but you never forget your first.

For your viewing pleasure...and this is required.

OMG ROLFLMAO LOL makes me (sad face)

The origins of texting are somewhat obscure. NASA claims they sent the first text message in 1989, using a simple pager and upside down numbers that could be read as words. Remember that from elementary? Spelling "Boobs" or "hello"? Same kind of thing...

However, Nokia asserts they sent the first text message from a cell phone in 1993. In 1995, the average customer sent .4 texts per month. Today kids send that many per second, literally.

In my blog research, (Yes, I do research) I stumbled across this little nugget of a story. You can read it if you want, but I'll summarize: In one month a girl sent 14,528 text messages. The text message portion of her bill was 440 pages long. This equates to 484 text messages a day or one text every two minutes of every waking hour. Luckily she had unlimited texting, if not, her bill would've been in the neighborhood of $3,000.

I got my first cell phone when I was in 7th grade. Not very many students had cell phones back then and I probably had like 10 minutes a month. Texting wasn't big in my middle school. We had the option but it cost $.25 or something every text you sent or received. The only reasonable text you could send would be "Mom, the house burned down. Everything is gone. I'm sending this with my one remaining digit as I'm being rushed to the hospital." Anything other than that was unheard of and a waste of money. I don't even remember it being very big my sophomore year...but by my senior year it was multiplying like a bunch of rabbits. Today the average person sends about 200 texts per month. Obviously this is somewhat skewed by that girl texting her fingers raw...but then again my dad sends a grand total of 0 texts per month. In the interest of full disclosure, I average about 2,500 texts per month.

I bring all this up because of a text I received the other day. As embarrassed as I am to admit I actually associate with people like this, this is what it said: "Hw l8 u gna b up 2nit? We gta tlk." If I had anything in my stomach at the time, I'm sure I would've lost it. There is no place in the world for things like that. I was sickened... People that are fortunate enough to frequently text me know that I don't partake of the texting slang and abbreviations. I use appropriate capital letters, punctuation and grammar. Sure it may take me a little bit longer, but at least I don't look stupid. Honestly, I didn't know what ROFL meant until I finally looked it up the other day. Show some class out there folks.

Also, another small text messaging rant. There is never a reason for someone with a Y chromosome to use LOL...never...ever...ever. I instantly lose respect for guys that use it. And I doubt you're literally laughing out loud. Just stop doing it.

Onwards and Upwards...

Moses, Tiger and I...

What do Moses, Bill Walton, Herschel Walker, James Earl Jones, Bruce Willis, Mike Rowe, Adrian Peterson, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Winston Churchill, Jack Welch, Tiger Woods and I have in common?

We all stutter.

Stuttering is a speech disorder in which the flow of speech is disrupted by involuntary repetitions and prolongations of sounds, syllables, words or phrases, and involuntary silent pauses or blocks in which the stutterer is unable to produce sounds. Stuttering, in my case, is an involuntary repetition and prolongation of sounds or syllables, or block in which I cannot produce sounds. I have had this condition as long as I can remember. I went through speech therapy with a speech pathologist since before kindergarten and into high school. It has gotten better throughout the years but has never completely gone away. I'm told that people don't notice, but I don't believe these people. I know I stutter and I know that others know I stutter. I'm on the path of learning to accept it and living with it. I'm not at that destination yet.

Most people wouldn't make fun of a quadriplegic, a deaf or blind person, or a mentally handicapped individual; but for some reason people don't seem to have an issue with pointing out or making jokes at someone that stutters. Honestly, I believe its more out of ignorance than shallow character. I don't think people are intentionally attempting to make fun of my speech disorder, although I could be wrong. Usually people will repeat my stutter, as if I was unaware. Believe me, I'm more than aware. More often than not, the first time I meet someone they will point out my stutter. Several of my closest friends have made fun of my stutter as well as countless strangers. I don't bring this up because I'm bitter or spiteful. I've learned to be able to laugh off these situations, at least publicly. I try not to bother me, but it is frustrating and thinking about it only makes it worse. It makes job interviews or phone calls difficult, but I've learned to keep it at a minimum. A funny "stuttering" story happened a few years ago when I went to a missionary farewell of a friend of a friend. We were all in the kitchen telling stories and making jokes. I don't remember what story I was telling, but I stuttered badly on the word "commitment." A woman I'd never met jumped in and began to psychoanalyze me based on my stuttering on "commitment." She claimed I was afraid of commitment and a long-term relationship. I listened to her theory for a few minutes and then said, "Actually, I just have a speech impediment." In her defense, the woman apologized profusely and my friends and I still joke around at the story.

I stutter but so do a lot of famous and successful people. Because of my stuttering, I've had bad job interviews, horrible church talks, and awful school presentations but I don't think it'll stop me from living a full and happy life. The next time you hear someone stutter and you think how hard it is to understand them, remember that you have to deal with it for a few minutes while they have to live with it constantly. They're much more aware and self-conscious of it than you are. At the end of the day, there are a lot worse disorders or disabilities that I could have so I'm not complaining...

Love it? Hate it? Let me know...

Literally...

Every good Mormon knows that a decent Sacrament Meeting talk begins with the very original line of "Webster's Dictionary defines _____ as... In that spirit I submit the following...
Webster's Dictionary defines literally as: in a literal sense, actual, without interpretation or embellishment. Literally maybe be the most overused word in the English language, or at least a close second to like or just. How did literally come to mean the complete opposite of what it actually means? How did literally come to mean figuratively?
There are numerous ways to misuse and abuse literally. I simply point out the worst two.

First, people often use literally when it is unnecessary.

• "I am so tired I could literally fall asleep." Is there another way to fall asleep? I thought thhe literal way was the only way.
• "I am literally upset." Thank you for making it clear that you weren't figuratively upset. I was confused with what exactly you were going for there.
  

Second, the most frequent abuse of literally is when you actually mean figuratively.

• "I am literally going to kill him." Wow, I'm glad to know that you evaluated every rational response to this scenario and came up with premeditated murder. Are you sure you wouldn't want to figuratively kill him?
• "I am literally losing my mind." Thank you, I will alert the proper authorities.
• "I am going to literally die of boredom." First off, that has never happened. If you did, you would be a medical phenomenon, and that is rather exciting.
• And my personal favorite, "I am literally starving to death." Ask the children in Africa what it feels like to literally starve to death. I bet it's a lot worse than you think.

I know I'm not the first, nor will I be the last, to write a ranting and unoriginal blog post about literally. I beg us all to use literally less and figuratively more. If you don't, I may figuratively explode.